good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
