I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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