i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
