Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
