Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
