You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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