drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize