come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
