I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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