i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
