Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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