walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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