Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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