So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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