We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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