is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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