this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We had sex on a dog bed..
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
