fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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