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Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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