Non-Jews are for practice
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
