I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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