I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
