my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
