overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
