You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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