Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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