She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
