then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
