you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
