No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
