hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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