It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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