how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
