If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Will exercising make me less horny?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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