The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
