The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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