I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
