Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
