I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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