Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
