the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
