if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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