I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
