i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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