I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
