i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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