Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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