I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
