My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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