first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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