We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
