And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
