Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
