from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Four minutes until I can fart!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
