I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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