mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
