Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
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