My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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