I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
